Blame the foreigns
As you watched Liverpool vs Manchester United on Monday night and tried to keep your eyes open, what did you think was to blame for the lack of action? Was it Jose Mourinho’s tactics? Liverpool missing Adam Lallana and Georginio Wijnaldum? Sky Sports’ insistence on hyping the match to the point of farce? The game being played on a Monday? Or are some games just a bit sh*t?
Sorry, but you’re wrong on all counts. Because the real problem was all those foreigners on the pitch. Let The Sun’s Neil Ashton explain:
‘Where was the cut and thrust of old? The running battles that would take place between these bitter rivals? Over the years we have been spoiled by the bone-crushing challenges of Roy Keane, or Stevie G in the centre of midfield.
‘Jamie Carragher, born in Bootle, and Gary Neville, native of Bury, would be looking for each from the first whistle. These days the biggest clash between these two clubs is when the pair of them kick off __with each in the Sky TV studio. It is down to the two sets of fans to shout at each other at work now. Marcus Rashford, born in Wythenshawe, was the only local player named in either side.
‘Instead, it relies on the Brazilians – Coutinho or Firmino – or the super Swede Zlatan Ibrahimovic to conjure something special.
‘What does the clash mean to them? Just another game, just another pay day. The players go back to their big houses in their big cars, they do not have to worry much about local pride or bragging rights.’
Of course, because only local players can show passion. You see, those bloody foreign mercenaries like Coutinho and Ibrahimovic haven’t played in the Milan derby or El Clasico, have they? Oh. Still, nobody likes a big house and big car like a foreign.
Ashton’s blaming of foreign players for their lack of passion for this fixture is a little bit odd given that he covered the last game between Liverpool and Manchester United, the 1-1 draw at Old Trafford in March.
‘The celebrations that followed Coutinho’s 45th-minute equaliser in front of the Stretford End seemed to go on forever,’ Ashton wrote then. ‘That is how much this game – a last-16 Europa League tie – at Old Trafford meant to Liverpool.’
Weirdly, Liverpool’s only changes from that game to Monday night were Loris Karius for Simon Mignolet, Joel Matip for Mamadou Sakho and Sadio Mane for Adam Lallana (who came off the bench anyway). It will surprise you to learn that none of those were born in Stanley Park.
Still, maybe the foreign players only learned to be mercenaries in the last seven months? That is Mediawatch’s only possible explanation.
You’re part of the problem, not the solution
You may have thought that only the scoreline at Anfield on Monday night mattered, but you’d be wrong. The Sun’s football team found a different battle – comparing and ogling partners of football players like it’s 19-f*cking-65.
Liverpool v Manchester United: Who comes out on top in the WAG derby? https://t.co/laa9e1bjlU #RedMonday pic.twitter.com/UiuiJRBveJ
— The Sun Football ⚽ (@TheSunFootball) October 17, 2016
‘ANFIELD plays host to one of football’s greatest rivalries tonight,’ The Sun’s piece on Monday afternoon read. ’Nobody can predict the outcome as two styles collide, and things are pretty even off the pitch too. For a plethora of gorgeous Wags will also descend on the stadium, __with each one looking to boost the morale of their respective partner.
‘United will reinforce their defence with the presence of Wayne Rooney’s wife Colleen (sic) and David De Gea’s stunning girlfriend Edurne Garcia. Daley Blind is set to be buoyed by glamorous partner Candy-Rae Fleur, while Zlatan Ibrahimovic is sure to have his goalscoring boots on under the watchful eye of wife Helena Seger.’
Of course it’s filler guff, designed to desperately garner the clicks of equally desperate men, but there is a serious point to be made here.
On Saturday, The Sun’s front-page editorial said on Ched Evans’ not guilty verdict: ‘He’s cleared of rape but as a slimeball who treats women like dirt, Evans is guilty’.
Thing is, The Sun, your treatment of women as sex objects, creating a story based on the looks of footballers’ partners and rating them against each other, is also abhorrent. Until it stops, you play a significant role in the objectification of women.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.
The Mourinho way
Wrote The Sun’s Neil Custis on Monday, who definitely doesn’t have an axe to grind over Louis van Gaal:
‘JOSE MOURINHO is desperately trying to rid Manchester United of the memories from the Louis van Gaal era.
‘That is why he will never serve up a borefest like the Dutchman with his much vaunted ‘philosophy’.
‘Mourinho’s side travel to Anfield tonight where Van Gaal somehow squeezed out a 1-0 win last January.
‘But as so often with LVG it was the way it was done and that is certainly not the Mourinho way.’
Thank goodness Mourinho’s arrival signalled the end of the big-game ‘borefest’.
Castles in the sky
There may be one or two Mediawatch readers not aware of the magnificence of Duncan Castles, a journalist so in awe of Jose Mourinho (and thus anti-Pep Guardiola) that he makes Rob Beasley look like a casual observer. Accusing journalists of bias is a very dim and misguided thing to do; every rule has an exception.
Sit back, strap in and enjoy:
Liverpool's 1st shot at goal a product of referee not bringing the play back for a foul after calling an advantage that didn't aid MUFC.
— Duncan Castles (@DuncanCastles) October 17, 2016
Another poor yellow card for Fellaini. Referee just excused a more dangerous + tactically more important foul on a breaking Pogba. #LIVMUN
— Duncan Castles (@DuncanCastles) October 17, 2016
For those labelling Mourinho's tactics bus parking, here he is deploying a low block to win at Anfield vs deploying a high press at Anfield. pic.twitter.com/lKlmaktaK2
— Duncan Castles (@DuncanCastles) October 18, 2016
The real commonpoint is that in both games he took points off the 2 most confident, well-rested and highly rated LFC teams of recent years.
— Duncan Castles (@DuncanCastles) October 18, 2016
Never change, Duncan. Not that you had any intention of doing so.
Worst paragraphs of the day
‘OFF the bus they stepped. Chests puffed out like delusional pigeons. Going out of their way to avoid eye contact with the smattering of fans gathered nearby to catch a glimpse of their heroes. Grown men, who do nothing more than play football for a living.
‘Players for Liverpool and Manchester United, headphones crammed into their ears each and every one. It is enough to make your skin crawl and your blood boil.
‘Waltzing around in public with those gleaming white gadgets stuffed ignorantly into their ears, or those utterly ridiculous over-sized trash cans stuck to each lughole, is right up there with poxy dance-led goal celebrations. Both acts of crassness warrant an instant one-match ban.
‘That’s right, you read that correctly. A one-match ban. If taking off your shirt is a booking for ‘inciting the crowd’, standing in front of fans grooving in self-congratulation is worse.
‘It is particularly sickening when these egotistical prats urge team-mates over, grinning like hyperactive school children, gather in a petit circle, grab a leg or whatever and execute some nonsense move they have been practising in training. Yes – some of these clowns practice goal celebrations. Take a reality check please, gentlemen’ – Gary Chappell’s ‘The Angry Column’, Daily Express.
Mediawatch has things that it would like to say about this column, illustrated with images of Paul Pogba and Daniel Sturridge; it can’t say them.
Guess who?
One of Mediawatch’s great loves is Ian Holloway’s over-estimation of things with which he has had a personal interaction. with that in mind, let’s play a fun game: Guess who or what Ian Holloway is talking about. From his latest Skysports.com column. Answers at the bottom of the page.
‘It’s ominous for the rest of the division. Teams have to stop ______ if they are to have any chance. He goes here, there and everywhere. He’s probably the best player I’ve ever seen play in the Championship.’
‘I’ve never known such a consistent person in my life. He makes the game look very simple, much like David Silva.’
‘There is no better stadium in the world than _______, especially when it’s rocking. I could go and have my Sunday lunch there in the centre-circle.’
Steady on…
A new low?
Luton and Orient launch investigation after fans did something shocking https://t.co/jg5QNZ41Kl pic.twitter.com/PZ6YelNWfM
— The Sun Football ⚽ (@TheSunFootball) October 17, 2016
Homophobia clickbait is our new favourite kind of clickbait.
Ask a simple question…
‘THIS is how Manchester United could line up next season – if they ditch Wayne Rooney and sign Antoine Griezmann’ – Daily Star.
With the help of a 12-page gallery, Mediawatch has found out that they could line up exactly the same as now, but with Griezmann instead of Rooney. Who’d have thought it?
Recommended reading of the day
Jason Burt on an academy salary cap.
Dave Kidd on Ched Evans and blaming football.
Robert O’Connor on the Kosovo national team.
Answers: Jonjo Shelvey, David Vaughan, Loftus Road.