We’ve all been there. The rushed panic. The card bought at the last minute from the nearest petrol station. The hastily-written message. The attempt to hide your remorse and contrition behind an apologetic grin as you try and convince them that no, genuinely, honestly, hand on heart, swear to God, you did not forget their birthday.
Arsene Wenger spent most of Friday evening practicing his best astonished expression in the mirror, preparing for a surprise party his Arsenal players forgot to plan. Alexis, you were supposed to invite the guests. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the cake, Theo. Oh, Christ. Mesut, where are the f***ing party hats? What’s the f***ing point without party hats?
Wenger had hoped for so much more on his 67th birthday. ‘What’s for sure is that we score more goals. We score lots of goals,’ he wrote in his programme notes ahead of the game against Middlesbrough. After 20 years in charge of Arsenal, he truly has perfected the art of comedic timing.
Not for the first time, the Frenchman was part-architect of his own downfall; although that does not render his lacklustre players exempt from blame. It is easy to say in hindsight, but perhaps Santi Cazorla was best served resting his legs in midweek instead of orchestrating a victory over Ludogorets in the Champions League. And when bringing on Lucas Perez and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain as second-half substitutes, their best positions are unlikely to be out wide and in central midfield respectively.
Couple that __with an insistence on crossing the ball into a Middlesbrough area against a defence clearly suited to a direct style, and you have the recipe for an underwhelming, disappointing and predictable result to cap what was a promising week.
I asked in midweek whether this is the strongest Arsenal squad ever, or, at the very least, in the 12 years since the club last won the title. Despite this, the point still stands (I would say that).
Arsenal, as has been said numerous times over the years, have everything they need to sustain a title challenge. They have a strong, settled defence, a midfield which offers a variety of qualities and a dynamic forward line capable of breaching most sides. But the ingredients must be used correctly. What was lacking at the Emirates Stadium on Saturday was, weirdly, belief in their own style. When a deft touch or clever pass was needed, the option of aimlessly crossing the ball into the box was taken far too often. When Olivier Giroud is your target man, it will be effective. When Alexis Sanchez and Theo Walcott are, the chances are it will not be.
The shining light was Laurent Koscielny. The defender tried his very best to rescue Wenger’s big day, making the most clearances (four) and interceptions (four) of any Arsenal player, as well as gaining possession on the most occasions (ten). His last-ditch tackle on Alvaro Negredo in the dying minutes spared the club the ultimate embarrassment.
Earlier in the week, the 31-year-old discussed his current role as captain. “I do not mouth off, that is for sure,” he said. “I am not a great orator, I do not like long speeches. It is not in my nature.” On Saturday, he left his actions do the talking. The centre-half was all-action, attempting to push forward and pass through the unmovable Middlesbrough wall. He could not quite push Arsenal over the line, but he was an inspirational figure when Sanchez and Ozil in particular, struggled.
But Koscielny, Wenger and Arsenal, despite topping the Premier League table __with this result as of Saturday afternoon, will have their regrets. “‘If you want to be champions, you have to win the tough games,” Koscielny said on Friday. Coming from the player whose goal forced a 1-0 victory over Burnley in a remarkably similar game to this, it was a pertinent message. Unfortunately, it was one too many of his teammates could not follow. Remember the f***ing party hats next time, Mesut.
Matt Stead