Absolutely Savage
‘He will have been buoyed by the reception he got in the 67th minute – and just over a minute later he had a hand in Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s winner. Not that Rooney meant the assist’ – The Sun.
‘The England captain had a hand in the crucial goal two minutes later. Fosu-Mensah crossed and Rooney’s fluffed attempt on goal sent the ball spinning towards the back post where Ibrahimovic was well placed to head in’ – Daily Mail.
‘His first contribution proved decisive, even if unintended. From his mis-hit shot, the ball fell kindly for Ibrahimovic, who took full advantage’ – Daily Mirror.
‘Rooney had been on the field only two minutes when his first touch, a bungled attempt at a shot, saw the ball bounce off his knee, into the ground and then loop high into the air and straight on to the head of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’ – Daily Telegraph.
‘Rooney’s first touch was actually a terrible one, presented __with an opportunity from close to the penalty spot by Timothy Fosu-Mensah’s cut back from the right, he stabbed his shot into the ground and managed to miss the target, yet succeeded in surprising the Zorya defence as well as the Old Trafford crowd’ – The Guardian.
‘Rooney met Timothy Fosu-Mensah’s cross __with an attempted volley but miscued completely. The ball bounced off his knee and across to Ibrahimovic at the far post, who had little trouble climbing above Kamenyuka, Zorya’s captain, to head in’ – The Times.
‘And within a couple of minutes he played a part, unintentionally, as Ibrahimovic broke the deadlock. The striker headed home from Rooney’s mis-hit shot for his sixth goal for the club’ – Daily Express.
‘His miskick from Timothy Fosu-Mensah’s cross hit the ground and was headed home by Zlatan Ibrahimovic’ – Daily Star.
Sorry to inform you, guys, but you are all mistaken. You see, Rooney “used all his experience…he didn’t go into the bodies, he just pulled out, great little move”.
And then what? “…and then he’s got an assist”. Just ask Robbie Savage.
Stand by me
Zlatan Ibrahimovic has scored goals aplenty this season after joining Manchester United this summer. But is Michael Owen impressed? Is he balls.
“There was no movement from him,” the former Liverpool striker told BT Sport on Thursday evening. “He just tends to stand at the back post and wait for the ball. There were a few crosses tonight and he stayed in the same position.”
There might be a reason he “just tends to stand at the back post”, Michael. The clue is in his winning goal against Zorya Luhansk in a game you (presumably) just watched. And in the goal he scored against Southampton earlier this season. And in the Community Shield. He stands at the back post because, being a tall man, he wins headers at the back post.
Ibrahimovic will surely be devastated at facing criticism from a man who, in his last two seasons at Manchester United, scored eight goals in all competitions. The Swede already has six goals in ten games.
And plenty of those came at the back post.
It’s a kind of magic
Paul Merson has been a good boy recently. He has been conspicuous by his absence from Mediawatch, ensuring to steer clear of mentioning Revels, wearing glass slippers on mountains, or just saying really silly things.
Finally, six weeks into the season, the Sky Sports pundit has cracked. The Magic Man is back to his magic best in his predictions piece for this week’s Premier League fixtures.
We begin with what can only be described as Merson in its purest form.
“I couldn’t believe what I was watching against Arsenal last weekend. It was unbelievable.”
Wonderful. Thanks, Paul.
Next, we move on to his prediction for Swansea’s game against Liverpool. Merson has noted the pressure that manager Francesco Guidolin is under, with the Welsh side 17th in the current table. But the Italian receives backing from everyone’s favourite tipster.
“I am a great believer that you stick with your manager you had at the start of the season.”
Nice to hear, and surprisingly level-headed from a man with a reputation for reactionary commen…oh, what’s this?
“It’s getting to be a bit of an awkward situation now,” Merson said of Arsene Wenger in April this year. “He’s getting like a squatter really. You know, you have a squatter in your house and you want them out – and you can’t. They’ve got to make a decision. They need change.”
So much for ‘sticking with your manager’.
Finally, Merson is asked to predict the outcome of Watford’s clash with Bournemouth. He is struggling to decide, however.
“It’s all about attitude, some teams think they can turn up and win, but it doesn’t work like that,” he says.
“That’s why people love this league, because anybody can beat anybody.”
Indeed, only in the Premier League can you see “anybody beat anybody”. Not in La Liga (Alaves have beaten Barcelona). Not in the Bundesliga (RB Leipzig have beaten Dortmund). Not in Serie A (Inter Milan have beaten Juventus). Not in Ligue Un (Monaco and Toulouse have both beaten PSG). Nope. Only in the Premier League.
Lawro, Lawro laughs
Of course, Merson is only half of Friday’s king and queen of predictions; Mark Lawrenson cannot be overlooked. We will let you decide which is which.
Lawro is not quite as controversial as Merson in his opinions this week. He predicts a 2-2 draw between Tottenham and Manchester City – of course he does, it’s a big game – and backs Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester United to win.
Unfortunately, the BBC Sport man simply can’t help himself sometimes. He is not wholly convinced on Liverpool’s rise.
“If Liverpool can play like that – and they might not be able to – against the top teams then it is going to be so difficult to beat them,” he says, discussing their 5-1 win over Hull. “That remains to be seen.”
Liverpool have played Arsenal, Chelsea, Leicester and Tottenham so far this season, remaining unbeaten in those games and earning ten points. Those four sides sit third, eighth, 12th and second in the Premier League table respectively. All four are in included in the top eight favourites to win the title.
In fact, the Reds’ only defeat this season came at the hands of Burnley, who are 13th. Are they considered a “top team”?
The Wright stuff
Says Ian Wright to BBC 2’s The Premier League Show:
“I would give him [Arsene Wenger] another three years, simply because I think he’s put a lot of faith into a lot of squads who have let him down miserably. So badly.”
Nice to see Wrighty give his former manager some support, claiming many of Arsenal’s struggles in recent seasons have been down to a squad “who have let him down”.
Not so nice to remember the following words from Wright:
“I think that it will run its natural course. In 2017 he will probably leave” – April 2016.
“There’s more people that want the boss out at the moment than they want him in. I’m not sure if he will still be there in the summer, depending on if they don’t win the league. I think changes are coming. At some stage it’s got to happen and I think something’s got to happen with Arsenal this season” – March 2016.
“That’s the kind of manager that you want, a good young manager that has proven himself tactically, he knows what he’s doing. It’s got to be that kind of man, Roberto Martinez, he’s the perfect one. If someone was to ask me who I want, I’d say Roberto Martinez. That’s the kind of manager you’ve got to be looking at to take Arsenal forward” – April 2014.
Three more years. For now.
Predictable
Fans of Mediawatch will know we have a new favouritest thing in the whole wide world. The Daily Express are predicting the end-of-season Premier League table. After every gameweek. Obviously.
It is at this stage that we will post the table itself for you to draw your own conclusions. It’s quite something.
To cover every bit of excellence within this table would take far, far too long. So we will take a look at just one team: Crystal Palace.
You see, Palace are predicted to finish seventh come May. After gameweek two, the Express predicted them to finish 18th, with 41 fewer points.
They are also predicted to score 41 goals this season – somehow the seventh-most of any side. Do you know how many goals they were predicted to score after gameweek two? Zero. They were predicted to score zero goals. Not a single one.
Join Mediawatch in praying that these end-of-season table predictions will continue until, well, the end of the season.
Express delivery
You know how it’s September? You know how the summer transfer window has been SLAMMED shut for almost a whole month, and the winter transfer window does not open for another three months? You know how that makes this a premium time for transfer gossip stories?
The Daily Express know. They know everything. They know all your secrets. They know about that thing in the woods.
They also know all of Chelsea and Antonio Conte’s secrets, and they are more than happy to share.
‘Chelsea pile hopes on Italian centre-back despite contract talks,’ reads the headline. Said ‘Italian centre-back’ being Leonardo Bonucci. He is Italian. He is a centre-back. Full marks so far.
‘That is according to The Times, who claim Blues boss Antonio Conte has not given up hope of signing the 31-year-old,’ writes Joe Short.
So to that Times story we go. It leads us to a Matt Hughes exclusive, who tells us that manager Conte is ‘demanding an overhaul of his Chelsea squad’.
The first problem here is that Hughes’ article was written as a Thursday morning exclusive; the story is already over 24 hours old.
The second problem here is that Hughes’ article does not mention Bonucci whatsoever. Not even in passing. It does not even mention an ‘Italian centre-back’ which, as Mediawatch has already kindly concluded for you, Leonardo Bonucci most certainly is.
You cheeky buggers.
The important question
Arsene Wenger flutters his eyelids at England ahead of his 20 year anniversary at Arsenal #afc https://t.co/XP3yhcwvvq
— John Cross (@johncrossmirror) September 30, 2016
How in God’s name does one flutter their eyelids? Sounds painful.
Mirror, Mirror
Mediawatch has a simple question to ask of the Daily Mirror. Why did you feel the need to insert two rather large pictures of Bianca Westwood in her latest column? Her picture can be found both at the top and the bottom of the article, which is about Sam Allardyce (not Bianca Westwood).
Why does John Cross not get the same treatment? Why is Crossy’s picture not emblazoned at the top, in the middle and at the bottom of each of his articles? We demand to see Crossy’s face everywhere.
Demand of the day
Telegraph should investigate this as well then find out who the leak is https://t.co/AbZ8j6lYb8
— Philip Neville (@fizzer18) September 30, 2016
Mediawatch wholeheartedly agrees: The Daily Telegraph should indeed postpone their investigation into illegal payments and behaviour in football to discover why postcards sent by Sam Allardyce to England players have been procured by the press.
Recommended reading of the day
Jeremy Wilson interviews the other Wenger.
Michael Cox on Theo Walcott and other ‘rebound’ Premier League players.
Tom Fahy on Jari Litmanen.