Who is your club’s most prolific creator? And who is most adept at converting said chances? Who is your best tackler or dribbler? Who makes the most costly mistakes? Who is your club’s best, erm…toucher…?
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to answer the questions that absolutely nobody is asking.
All statistics are per 90 minutes unless stated otherwise. And players must have played a minimum of 600 Premier League minutes to qualify.
Arsenal
Touches
Santi Cazorla (101.05)
Tackles
Francis Coquelin (3.76)
Chances created
Mesut Ozil (2.94)
Dribbles completed
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (3.8)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Olivier Giroud (32%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Petr Cech, Nacho Monreal and Granit Xhaka (all 2)
Logical conclusion
– Turns out Alexis Sanchez is rubbish. He might be leading in some metrics – ‘goals’ and ‘assists’, whatever they are – but Arsenal would clearly be fine without him.
Bournemouth
Touches
Andrew Surman (76.63)
Tackles
Dan Gosling (3.44)
Chances created
Jordon Ibe (1.73)
Dribbles completed
Jordon Ibe (3.75)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Charlie Daniels (27.27%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Simon Francis (5)
Logical conclusion
– Jamie Redknapp was right all along.
Burnley
Touches
Joey Barton (61.79)
Tackles
Joey Barton (3.72)
Chances created
Steven Defour (1.99)
Dribbles completed
Andre Gray/Steven Defour(0.99)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Andre Gray (20%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Ben Mee (3)
Logical conclusion
– No wonder Joey Barton thinks N’Golo Kante is overrated. Also, the idea of Andre Gray almost completing one full dribble before tripping over his own shoelaces every 90 minutes is hilarious to me and me alone.
Chelsea
Touches
Cesc Fabregas (109.83)
Tackles
N’Golo Kante (3.76)
Chances created
Cesc Fabregas (3.97)
Dribbles completed
Eden Hazard (4.94)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Gary Cahill (26.67%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
David Luiz/Gary Cahill (2)
Logical conclusion
– Cesc Fabregas is a damn hero.
???? "At first we thought Conte was too demanding…now its paying off"
– Cesc Fabregas pic.twitter.com/5TfP3qQTdi
— ItalianFootballTV (@IFTVofficial) March 30, 2017
Crystal Palace
Touches
Jason Puncheon (66.25)
Tackles
Andros Townsend (2.81)
Chances created
Jason Puncheon (2.01)
Dribbles completed
Wilfried Zaha (4.22)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
James Tomkins (25%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Steve Mandanda, Scott Dann and Joe Ledley (all 2)
Logical conclusion
– Hands up those who expected Andros Townsend to lead the way in terms of tackling?
Everton
Touches
Morgan Schneiderlin (86.84)
Tackles
Idrissa Gueye (4.79)
Chances created
Ross Barkley (2.76)
Dribbles completed
Yannick Bolasie (3.24)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Romelu Lukaku (26.25%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Maarten Stekelenburg (3)
Logical conclusion
– Everton’s midfield, it’s better than yours.
Hull
Touches
Ahmed Elmohamady (75.77)
Tackles
David Meyler (2.5) – Jake Livermore was on 2.8
Chances created
Adama Diomande (1) – Robert Snodgrass was on 2.37
Dribbles completed
Adama Diomande (1.69) – Harry Maguire is second, having completed 1.15 dribbles. What a guy.
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Oumar Niasse (30%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Eldin Jakupovic (3)
Logical conclusion
– Marco Silva deserves a knighthood if he keeps Hull up.
Leicester
Touches
Danny Drinkwater (80.18)
Tackles
Wilfred Ndidi (4.38)
Chances created
Marc Albrighton (1.89)
Dribbles completed
Demarai Gray (3)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Jamie Vardy (22.22%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Wes Morgan (2)
Logical conclusion
– Wilfred Ndidi is the epitome of the bad guy all the girls want.
Ndidi outdoing Kante's legacy.
— Olly (@Giroudesquee) March 18, 2017
Liverpool
Touches
Jordan Henderson (102.96)
Tackles
Jordan Henderson (3.74)
Chances created
Philippe Coutinho (2.65)
Dribbles completed
Sadio Mane (2.68)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Sadio Mane (21.43%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Loris Karius, Georginio Wijnaldum and Roberto Firmino (all 2)
Logical conclusion
– Steven Gerrard would be ever so proud of his successor. But what the f*** is Roberto Firmino doing?
Manchester City
Touches
Fernandinho (88.7)
Tackles
Pablo Zabaleta (3.6)
Chances created
Kevin De Bruyne (3.27)
Dribbles completed
Sergio Aguero (3.14)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Leroy Sane (21.43%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
John Stones (4)
Logical conclusion
– See, it’s not Claudio Bravo’s fault at all. Bloody John Stones.
Manchester United
Touches
Ander Herrera (101.44)
Tackles
Marouane Fellaini (3.27)
Chances created
Henrikh Mkhitaryan/Juan Mata (2.64)
Dribbles completed
Paul Pogba (2.44)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Juan Mata (16.67%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Chris Smalling (3)
Logical conclusion
– I definitely, absolutely, without a doubt predicted that Juan Mata would prosper under Jose Mourinho.
Middlesbrough
Touches
Antonio Barragan (71.29)
Tackles
Fabio (3.37)
Chances created
Gaston Ramirez (1.77)
Dribbles completed
Adama Traore (8)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Cristhian Stuani (19.05%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
George Friend/Victor Valdes (3)
Logical conclusion
– Adama Traore is a beautiful thing that absolutely has to be loved and cherished.
If someone can successfully channel Adama Traore's pace and directness, he could be dangerous
— Football Review (@FootballReview4) March 19, 2017
Southampton
Touches
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg (89.57)
Tackles
Oriol Romeu/Sofiane Boufal (3.46)
Chances created
Dusan Tadic (2.64)
Dribbles completed
Sofiane Boufal (6.56)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Manolo Gabbiadini (23.53%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Nine players (1)
Logical conclusion
– It’s nice of Claude Puel to ensure that his players share the burden of making mistakes in defence.
Stoke
Touches
Charlie Adam (70.55)
Tackles
Geoff Cameron (3.37)
Chances created
Xherdan Shaqiri (2.25)
Dribbles completed
Ramadan Sobhi (2.4)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Joe Allen (17.65%) – Bojan was on 30%.
Errors leading to shots (total)
Ryan Shawcross and Charlie Adam (2)
Logical conclusion
– Of Charlie Adam’s 70.55 touches per 90 minutes, 20 are mistimed tackles, 50 are shots from outside the box, and 0.55 are, apparently, errors leading to shots.
Sunderland
Touches
Steven Pienaar (60) – Patrick van Aanholt was on 60.9.
Tackles
Didier Ndong (2.44)
Chances created
Adnan Januzaj (1.91)
Dribbles completed
Adnan Januzaj (3.2)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Jermain Defoe (21.21%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Vito Mannone (3)
Logical conclusion
– If anyone remains confused as to how Sunderland are bottom of the league, just remember that Steven Pienaar has their most touches per 90 minutes.
Swansea
Touches
Angel Rangel (87.05)
Tackles
Jay Fulton (4.03)
Chances created
Gylfi Sigurdsson (2.22)
Dribbles completed
Leroy Fer (1.39) – Modou Barrow was on 1.88.
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Fernando Llorente (26.19%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Lukasz Fabianski (4)
Logical conclusion
– Breaking news: Swansea would already be relegated were it not for Gylfi Sigurdsson and Fernando Llorente. And Jay Fulton.
Players to win most points for their club this season
???????? Costa: +13
???????? Agüero: +11
???????? Zlatan: +11
???????? Kane: +11
???????? Alli: +10
???????? Llorente: +9 pic.twitter.com/GXK4HLFUZC— FourFourTweet (@FourFourTweet) March 27, 2017
Tottenham
Touches
Ben Davies (84.47)
Tackles
Mousa Dembele (3.16)
Chances created
Christian Eriksen (3.05)
Dribbles completed
Mousa Dembele (3.51)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Harry Kane (27.54%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Hugo Lloris (6)
Logical conclusion
– If only there was some sort of award, perhaps a weekly one, that I could bestow upon Mousa Dembele.
Watford
Touches
Jose Holebas (67.71)
Tackles
Valon Behrami (3.28)
Chances created
Tom Cleverley (1.85)
Dribbles completed
Nordin Amrabat (2.76)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Troy Deeney (26.47%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Sebastian Prodl (5)
Logical conclusion
– It turns out that the answer to those Tom Cleverley questions was: ‘Watford’s top chance creator’
West Brom
Touches
Chris Brunt (56.37)
Tackles
James McClean (3.75)
Chances created
Matt Phillips (1.49)
Dribbles completed
Matt Phillips (2.16)
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Gareth McAuley (37.5%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Gareth McAuley and Darren Fletcher (2)
Logical conclusion
– If you don’t love Tony Pulis eternally after reading the statistic about Chris Brunt’s touches per 90 minutes, you never will.
West Ham
Touches
Manuel Lanzini (69.27) – Dimitri Payet was on 71.74.
Tackles
Pedro Obiang (3.16)
Chances created
Sofiane Feghouli (1.68) – Dimitri Payet was on 4.4.
Dribbles completed
Michail Antonio (2.68) – Dimitri Payet was on 2.8.
Shot conversion rate (overall)
Andre Ayew (21.05%)
Errors leading to shots (total)
Aaron Cresswell (4)
Logical conclusion
– Let’s hope West Ham understand that they no longer have Dimitri Payet.